I do consider myself to be a positive person. I always know that no matter how crap things get there is ALWAYS a solution.
I am a very independent 42-year-old woman who is pretty good at taking care of myself and my little world.
So a victim? Me? Never
Until I read “The Big Leap” by G. Hendricks
Here is the thing….have you ever been in an argument? Have you ever blamed someone else for how you feel? How things are? How things seem?
Oops. Been there done that far too many times
Arguments are caused by 2 people racing to occupy the victim position in a relationship.
Person A claims the victim position (why are you doing this to me? How could you do that?) and tries to get Person B to agree and take the blame. This is where it gets tricky as how often do you hear Person B saying “You know what, yep, your unhappiness is all my fault”
Person B now needs to step up and claim their stake to the victim position (My fault? What about all the times you XXXX)
You can see how this will pan out cant you?
Now obviously people are going to do things that upset you from time to time and I am not saying for a second you just let it happen.
But rather than go for victim mode (Eg I cant believe you made me feel like this)
It’s time to rise above it. Let’s look at some examples
Your friend Louise is ALWAYS late, it annoys you. It happens once too often and before you know it you are having a full scale barney in Costa next to the paninis and over-sized Bourbons
Is it annoying? – course it is! But is it worth falling out over? Probably not.
- Speak to Louise and explain how it makes you feel
- Tell Louise a certain time, knowing she will be late you arrive 15 minutes later (Sneaky!)
- Know there is a good chance she will be late so take a book, or people watch – use it as 10 minutes to have a bit of quiet time before you get in to all the natter and catch up.
Example number 2
The shelf in the bathroom is wonky, you are at great risk of losing your St Tropez fake tan, fave perfume and that miracle cream you saw in Cosmo that will make you look like you should be in Little Mix (Yeah I fall for it too)
You’ve been asking your other half to fix this for MONTHS now……..and as always he will “Do it in a bit”
Get in to this one and before you know it you are bringing up the broken door handle, overgrown tree, the damaged skirting board and the fact he NEVER helps around the house. Cue “Why are you always nagging?!” And we are in to a full blown ding-dong.
Annoying? Course it is. But worth not speaking to each other for 8 days, probably not.
- Fix it yourself
- Get a man in – a handy man that is. In fact get him in for the day to fix EVERYTHING in the house and then you will never argue again
- Start putting his favourite aftershave on the same shelf – may spur him on
- Leave bathroom magazines around the house with whopping great price tags and start commenting you will need a new bathroom soon……or we could just smarten up the current one
But what do I know? Im single I go for option 2 every time!!
But you get the idea. We aren’t victims ladies, we are smart lasses that can handle any situation.